Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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