theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
