I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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