she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
