im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You may now shotgun with the bride
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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