the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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