i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
