My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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