he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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