Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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