It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
