i love accidental penises.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
