gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We are two peas in an std pod
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
