ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can text with my tongue
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
