There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
