Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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