Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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