Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
