I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
