Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
