And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In other news, I just burned my penis
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
