Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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