dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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