we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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