It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
