he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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