Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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