Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
