2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
