She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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