I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
