I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
