Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just invented taco cereal.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
