My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
