do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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