I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
