dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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