Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
