The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
