Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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