plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
