:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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