i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
