Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
me + whiskey = a bad person
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
