youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
