Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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