the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
