i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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