I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
