I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
