he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
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