I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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